Things They Say

  Friday, November 15, 2019

Agile Transformation Workstream

No idea. But it sounds managerial.

  Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Offboard

To fire someone, dismiss them or process their resignation. Example use: "I just want to confirm the procedure of off-boarding an employee. When it comes to the Employee Life-cycle, there's a gap in my knowledge and I want the learnings to make things more streamlined going forward."

  Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Run This Up The Flagpole

Try it out

  Friday, July 19, 2019

Strategic Alignment

To get everybody thinking the same. E.g "Guys, we need some serious strategic alignment on this to ensure the best user journey and best effeciency savings going forward!"

  Wednesday, July 17, 2019

The Boomerang

I'll get back to you

  Friday, June 28, 2019

Restorative Conversation

Absolutely no idea chaps! I heard this from Mr Nesbitt on an LBC Radio phone-in talking about taking problematic pupils. To take them to one side after lessons to have a "restorative conversation" to put things right. Idiot!

  Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Exciting

Just exciting, but everyone in senior management see exciting opportunities going forward!

  Monday, June 24, 2019

Steering Group

The people in charge of a project

  Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Well Just Have To Block The Runway To They Have To Circle A Few Times.

Delay them.

  Friday, March 22, 2019

I'm Looking At This From 10,000 Feet

Management speak for refusing to pay any attention to detail

  Friday, March 22, 2019

Screwed The Pooch

Messed it up... badly

  Thursday, July 26, 2018

Deliverables

Something that we can present. NB: This is usually something like a strategy, workshop or a transformation workflow. Rarely is it a product or a service.

  Thursday, July 26, 2018

Strategy

Just a poncy name for a plan. These days, managers have "strategies". They don't have plans anymore.

  Monday, July 9, 2018

Mvp

Minimum Viable Product. The minimum we can deliver to get a change or new product approved!

  Monday, July 9, 2018

Onboarding Journey

The process a business follows to get a new customer

  Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Throw It At The Fridge

"Throw it at the fridge and what sticks, we'll manage": Throw everything out there and deal with the stuff that's noticeable or problematic only. Forget about the rest.

  Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Communicate To The Business

Talk to people. Example ~~ I need to communicate to the business the current state of play but we'll touch base offline and define a suitable resolution for the comms going forward.

  Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Re-Aligned

To think the same Example: "Yar, we had a workshop and the management team are all now re-aligned in terms of this proposal"

  Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Onboarding Journey

The process undertaken by a company to accept new customers. Managers these days ONBOARD people and it's no longer a process, it's a JOURNEY.

  Monday, June 11, 2018

I've Trapped That Question

This means they've written it down to look into. It's not as cool as it sounds guys!

  Monday, June 4, 2018

Knowledge Share

To have a meeting. And discuss stuff.

  Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Connect

Apparently people no longer just talk, they connect.

  Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Keep Me Honest

To make sure what's being said is correct. They may say: "Jon, I believe we're aligned in terms of best practices but please keep me honest here when I say we need more horizontality across the board in upskilling the team under the current financial constraints!"

  Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Align Practices

To do what others do

  Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Reallocation Of Responsibility

Your manager doesn't think you're up to your job anymore so they're giving the responsibility to someone else.

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Solutionise

‘Solutionise’ is business-speak for solving problems, as in: “Let’s solutionise this problem over lunch.” Although it is a word, it actually refers to the heating if metal to form a homogeneous solid solution.

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Decomplexify

Ironically, Decomplexify Simply complexifies the word for simplify. Simple!

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Root And Branch Review

E.g.'We are undertaking a root-and-branch review of our sales team to identify hits and misses' -- They're looking at everything!

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Wash Its Own Face

Crappy way of saying something will pay for itself. Dont worry chaps, this project will wash its own face if we upskill and allocate the appropriate resource'

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Punch A Puppy

To do something absolutely horrible but it's what's good for the business

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Close Of Play

The end of the working day

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Touch Base Offline

Let's meet up and talk.

  Sunday, May 6, 2018

Don't Let The Grass Grow Too Long On This One

Work Faster! I'm looking for a polite way of suggesting that you need to pull your Finger out and work harder.

  Friday, April 20, 2018

Hollistic

A natural, no-brainer way of looking at a problem (or challenge). They may say: 'Let's look at this hollistically and cross fertilise ideas to achieve a win-win solution to this challenge'.

  Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Upgraded Leadership

A better management team. For example, Balfour Beatty recently announced an "updated leadership". The sacked their old managers and brought in some new, more accountable ones.

  Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Let's Keep It Eye Level

Let's discuss this at a high level. Meaning, let's give a quick overview.

  Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Time Poor

Not much spare time

  Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Leveraging The Synergies

Taking advantage of each others strong points to work together

  Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Conscious

"Yar, but in terms of reaching the finishing line, we're conscious we've not yet seen the revised design". Everybody is conscious of stuff. Shame they're not conscious of how moronic they sound speaking like this!

  Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Follow The Sun

To work globally, when the sun sets in one location, it rises in another and business continues... globally.

  Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Cover Off I.E. Have You Covered Off The Requirements

It means cover you verbose fools! There is another phrase ending in 'off' I'd like to say to people who try and make the banal seem important in this way

  Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Re-Accommodate

To be beaten up on a United Airlines aeroplane after not volunteering to miss your flight e.g. "I apologize for having to re-accommodate these passengers"

  Sunday, July 10, 2016

Evangelist

Why do people in IT roles feel it necessary to call themselves Evangelists? This is unbelievably poncy. It seems to be the latest buzz word for both IT professionals with bug ego's and small members! Come on guys... knock it off!!!

  Friday, June 17, 2016

Low Hanging Fruit

Aiming for the most achievable goal

  Friday, June 17, 2016

This Is Blue Boat Thinking, And You Should Be Red Boat Thinking.

Worry about what you're working on, not what everyone else is doing.

  Monday, May 16, 2016

Onboarding

To bring in new business. "Yar, we're onboarding new clients right now in a classic example of professionalized horizontality"

  Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Professionalisation

No idea - I think it means to make something professional or to implement something professionally. I think! Any ideas?

  Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Transition

We will transition to these new methods. No, we will MOVE to these new methods.

  Wednesday, May 4, 2016

De-Risk

Remove any potential problems or risks. I.e. plan properly!

  Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Skills Transfer

To learn from someone.

  Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Hyperlocal Marketing

Very localised marketing - apparently.

  Friday, April 1, 2016

Align

"We must align our strategies and interests to those of the business." - I think it means we need to do what the company or manager wants

  Friday, April 1, 2016

Boil The Ocean

To do everything at once in a big way!

  Thursday, March 24, 2016

Two-Way Conversation

A conversation is always two-way.

  Thursday, March 24, 2016

Costings

"Yar, we need to get updated costings on this solution going forward to ensure a synergistic approach and a win-win for us all!"

  Thursday, March 24, 2016

Solution

There must be so many problems out there because everything requires a SOLUTION these days.

  Thursday, March 24, 2016

Value-Add

This is used instead of "Add Value". FFS!

  Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Thought Shower

Apparently you cannot say "Brainstorm" now as it may offend. So if we Thought Shower, then we're all clouds and we drop a thought shower into the conversation.

  Thursday, March 17, 2016

Belt And Braces

Just means: Everything: "Lets's get belt and braces on this before we move forward with our Due Diligence and perform an Acid Test. We need to win Hearts and Minds on this one guys!"

  Monday, March 7, 2016

Manage Expectations

You're not getting what you've asked for! "We need to manage expectations here"

  Saturday, March 5, 2016

Off The Grid

When you're not checking your email. "Yar, it appears Alan if off the grid, this needs to be addressed going forward as we can't touch base with him on this due diligence report for the transformational workflow!''

  Saturday, February 27, 2016

Helicopter View

To look down on the situation. "I'm going to take a Helicopter View on this proposal to appreciate all angles before engaging those in the transformation workflow!"

  Thursday, February 25, 2016

Four-Eyes Approval

To have two people (assuming they have two eyes each) to review and approve something.

  Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Provision

Provide. What on earth is wrong with using 'provide'?!

  Thursday, February 4, 2016

Ideation

The process of creating and documenting ideas

  Thursday, February 4, 2016

Flip The Domino

To start a process.... "I'm about to flip the domino and meet this challenge head on".

  Thursday, January 14, 2016

Sense Check

To double check. "Can you sense check this for me?".

  Thursday, December 10, 2015

Push Back

Passing something back to be dealt with: "The client has pushed back on that change".

  Friday, December 4, 2015

Loose Sand

A plan that has no solid foundations. It's just a bunch of ideas at this stage.

  Thursday, December 3, 2015

Interface

To communicate with someone. "I'll interface with Gary about that"

  Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Fielded

"My advisor just fielded a difficult query, this is a game changer now!". Means to deal with (or field) something.

  Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Gap In My Knowledge

"I did what I could, but there was a gap in my knowledge..." This means: "I didn't understand...". It is OK to admit to this you know! It will make you a bigger person.

  Thursday, November 12, 2015

Transformation Workflow

Changes: "We have a transformation workflow in place." - "We are making some changes."

  Friday, November 6, 2015

Getting All Of Our Ducks In A Line

Nope! not a clue. It must be something like that other David Brentism, "if we are all facing in the same direction, all we have to do is walk forward".

  Monday, November 2, 2015

Square The Circle

Absolutely no idea what this means!!

  Friday, October 30, 2015

Curve Ball

an additional requirement at the last minute

  Friday, October 30, 2015

Acid Test

Test. But sounds cooler.

  Friday, October 23, 2015

Lets Open Our Kimonos

Lets be honest

  Friday, October 23, 2015

Due Diligence

A new and over-used term for precaution or care. Used all the time in the corporate environment. "We need a due diligence review with this project!"

  Friday, October 23, 2015

Checks And Balances

A way of saying everything has been thought about. I think??

  Thursday, October 22, 2015

Reaching Out

When you speak to someone in the office, apparently you REACH OUT to them.

  Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Emotionalise / Emotionalised

Designing something in such a way as to provoke an emotion from the viewer e.g. "I want you to emotionalise our website" / "I've emotionalised this advert"

  Monday, October 19, 2015

Competencies

This has replaced "abilities" I think. "You must have the core competencies to be able to action the key deliverables going forward" - WTF?

  Saturday, October 17, 2015

Trailblazer

This is the latest craze for companies. Sending people on training courses to show they're investing in their staff. To become "Trailblazers". It's utter crap!

  Thursday, October 15, 2015

Horizontality

To push a product or service to (or across) multiple clients

  Thursday, October 15, 2015

Challenging

Another way of saying difficult - almost like 'difficult' sounds defeatist.

  Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Push Back

To hold off doing work, for example: "I'm going to push back on that request".

  Wednesday, October 14, 2015

January One

The first of January, or which ever month is stated. Saying the month name followed by ONE, seems to delight the idiots who say it.

  Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Hearts And Minds

Example: "We're meeting with the core business to win their Hearts and Minds and gain some traction with this project."

  Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Pre-Think

Is this like pre-plan, maybe? If you're PRE thinking, aren't you thinking anyway?

  Wednesday, October 14, 2015

In-Sourcing

To keep work inside the business

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Learning(s)

Something screwed up but it's been conveniently written off as a learning experience. Often (and stupidly!) pluralised, example "I got critical learnings from that project"

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Synergy

"We must find the synergy between what they're offering and our position"

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Circle Back

"I'm going to a senior management meeting. We'll circle back later."

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Paradigm Shift

A whole new way of looking at something. Just an annoying way of saying such.

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Workshop

A training session. That's it. A training session. There are no tools or wood in this "workshop"

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Upskill

A rather insulting way of saying: To train on something new.

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Run It Up The Flagpole

To try something out. Often followed by "... and see who salutes." Meaning, see who agrees.

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Cascade

To communicate to others. "Can you cascade that down to everyone after this meeting."

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Sense Check

To review or double check something.

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Knock This On The Head

No, not going out and clubbing someone to death - Instead we're going to action this sunset and get it done asap

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Thinking In Real Time

This is a STUPID phrase! Imagine filing an insurance report for a road accident - I was not "thinking in real time" so I crashed! What utter bollocks!!

  Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Advise

"Please advise as to how you would like to manage this going forward."

  Monday, October 12, 2015

Wooden Dollars

A term used to pay for cross-departmental work. It's pretend money... for free work!

  Monday, October 12, 2015

Efficiency Savings

This is a way of saying there will be cuts to jobs, salaries or other vital services.

  Saturday, October 10, 2015

Pre-Plan

You either plan, or you don't.

  Saturday, October 10, 2015

Proposal Reclaim

To backtrack without admitting failure.

  Friday, October 9, 2015

Kick It To The Long Grass.

We aren't playing football, why don't we just

  Friday, October 9, 2015

Snackable Memes

I'm not sure exactly what these are but I do know they are an example of micro content

  Friday, October 9, 2015

Micro Content

Designed to fight information overload. Examples include snackable memes and bite-sized data visualizations

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Ping

People use this as a term to EMAIL someone. "Yar, I'll ping you my agenda and we'll touch base!"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Deliverable

"Yar, yar, if we could list all the deliverables for this solution... that'd be great!"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Park It

No, not your car silly! This means to put a subject aside and discuss it later, of course!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Disconnect (Noun)

"There was a disconnect". A phrase uttered by the fatuous, disconnect is clearly a verb, "it disconnected" or "there was a disconnection". The correct usage should be "There was a disconnection" or better "There was some kind of disparity" THIS IS NOT A NOUN!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

My Gut Feel

I don't want to know how you feel your gut.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Soup To Nuts

From start to finish, a comprehensive solution - first heard in the 1990s, this is a curious management term. It would seem to be a metaphor for a meal, but whilst meals often begin with a soup course, they rarely conclude with nuts. A more factually correct term might be "Soup to Coffee and an After Dinner Mint"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Drill Down

Having a closer look at a problem (apparently!)

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Pipeline

Future

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

State Of Play

Current circumstances.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Look And Feel

This phrase is used a lot by idiots who have no, or very little knowledge of technology. You can't actually feel a website. It is the very essence of intangibility!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Forward Window

Future

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Engagement

Years ago, this is what happened before you got married, now nobody has a clue what it means, but we sell it by the cart load

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Exposure

"This new position giver me greater exposure". People are aware of my existence

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

I Only Want Quotes As A Fibonacci Number

God knows why, but quotes can be only 1,2,3,5,8,13 etc

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Let's Be Mindful

lets have a think about it

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Thought Leaders

Someone who is taking lead on planning for a project

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Essentially

Now this is OK - when used correctly but to use it multiple times in the same sentence is essentially not acceptable.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Diarize

"Yar, yar you go ahead and diarize that". Or, maybe just put something in my calendar??

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Mind Share

To share ideas - no to actually share ones' personal mind

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Easy Road To Tread

This is almost as bad as "User Journey" or "User Story"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Communicate

Also as Communication. "The client is sending out a communication on this… " You mean they're sending an email???

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Reach Out

Are you touching them? No - you're on the phone to them - hardly "reaching out" now is it?!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Visibility

Do we have visibility of that budget? Can I get visibility on that?

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Growing The Talent Pool

Getting more people involved (not engaged) with abilities to take on the required tasks.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Briefed In

Discussed something as part of a meeting or through other correspondence. "Have you briefed Bill in on this?"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Joined Up Thinking

More than one person’s thoughts considered on the same subject.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Take It Away

"Yar, I can’t answer that question; I’ll take it away and get back to you." Just say "Can I get back to you on that?". The question is not an 'object' you can 'take away' and return.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Relay/replay/playback

"How did you replay that to her?" Just say "What did you tell her?".

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Moving/Going Forward

Actually voted the most irritating term used at work!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Revenue Stream

"We need to touch base and discuss engaging further revenue streams" No! You need to meet and discuss other areas on income for the business.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Move Up The Value Chain

"We need to move on up that value chain" Meaning to increase the price, but suggests your product/value was crap anyway!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Sunset

"Yar, yar when do you see the sunset on that project?" No! Just say "When do you see that project finishing?"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

User Story

What? Are we Jackanory all of a sudden? This is the same as User Journey and Customer Journey. People laugh.

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Customer/user Journey

Used to describe the process a user goes through - in software - for example. So annoying!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Feedback

To reply to someone. Example: "Yar, I'll go ahead and feed that back".

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

In Terms Of

This filler phrase is VILE - it is used all the time and its use has become a GLOBAL pandemic! Just listen for it and you will hear it... many times a day!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Bandwidth

"We have no bandwidth for that given the current recruitment freeze". You measure data transfer capacity in bandwidth, not staffing levels!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

110%

"I'm like 110% sure on that!" No! Per Cent (cent being 100). You cannot have more that 100%

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

On The Radar

"Is that on your radar?" What?! This is not Miramar TopGun! We are not tracking inbound enemy bogies!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Incentivise

I just hate this!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Take It Offline

To discuss when off the phone or away from a hangout: "Yar, yar let's take this offline?"

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Game Changer

This is business, it's not a game. Why is every major change in politics and business a "Game Changer" these days?

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Eco-System

It's an office! Not a group of interconnected elements, formed by the interaction of a community of organisms with their environment!

  Thursday, October 8, 2015

Action

"If you could go ahead and action that for me. Thadda be grrreat!"

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Loop In

Get someone involved. "Let's loop Larry in on this!"

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Pushing At An Open Door

Don't bother, you'll just fall over. Just say, 'Its not a problem'.

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Engaged

"Yar, yar, let's get the Business Development Team engaged on this one!".

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Touch Base

To meet up and talk face to face

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Best Practice

What Is This? A Competition Between Doctors? Who Has The Best Practice?!

  Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Deep Dive

To delve deeper into a given subject area.